CAIRO TO DAMASCUS

I reminisce back to those days when I refrain myself from confrontations, thinking that if I sit still enough and give enough silence, it'll signal healing. Always, always, always think of others and put others before me. I guess it had always worked that way. 

Then, somewhen somewhere I learned my ways of becoming a little bit selfish. Unconsciously, the egoistical child was growing inside of me, eating parts of my kindness until I am left with none.

I wanted only my own self to survive this hurricane of a dipshit life.

I thought: who the fuck cares if anyone else doesn't make it out alive?

You know, the loveliest thing about growth is outgrowing yourself each and every time you find something faulty in your system. I dragged myself out of bed, shaking with anger this morning and if I had let the egoistical child inside me won, I would've just wonder what is happening out there. Is everyone safe? Is the world a safe place for anyone, even?

At a point, it dawned to me that this world was never a safe place for anyone. People get hurt all the time.
I remember drowning.
I remember crashing.
I remember half-dying with no kindness to save me.
She taught me to fight until you have no what-ifs. I don't want no "what if I showed that I cared?" Like a divine revelation right at that fucking moment, I wanted more than just me surviving.

I lost too many people that I loved. I've been too fucking machine all these while.

Fuck everything.

I'll just give it another go then.

Oh honey, these dull walls, they heard the gratefulness I send out to the skies for each time you show happiness. I've never stopped my thank you's since the day you decided to come back with no tears and no sad news. Yet, of course, internalised affection without showings are absurd. People don't see feelings unless you're vulnerable enough to let it show. Been there, done that.

Been there, done that, kiddo. Believe me. That's why I'll fucking try.