SILVER

I made friends with the house lizard. These days he puts his arms around me and tells me the poetic lies and everything I want him to tell me. He said sometimes when I'm too close to him he could picture my skin and flesh melting, leaving my eye socket to hang from my skull like flowers off its' branches. He made me resent the years I spent staying in school and abiding man-made rules like a good dog. I guess I'm a tall sunflower and the Sun gets really bright and I got scared and it evaporates the very core of my innocence into nothingness. The vapour of a very long gone spring dream.

I fall into the hollowness of my own skull. There is no salvation in any of the men I knew.

I couldn't find it. 15-15. The interstate is the place where things happen. Life comes at me fast. The sins I hated on you are now mine. And it comes in the form of loneliness and insecurities unshakeable on nights where your own self-esteem crumbles from the mountaintops. You run on gasoline. I've been seeking for love in all the wrong places.

You could only bite your nails so hard before it bleeds and get jagged. Things get ugly. One night you're seeing his shadow washed softly under the orange streetlights and asked God if there is any other emotion greater than love. Things get ugly. Fast. Suddenly you're wasting your days falling into arms of strangers, unable to feel remorse, or anything, if that matters. Wanting to feel something, anything.

The cut-tale, the iotas of that growing sickly ache I'm starting to feel every morning I wake up, I hope it puts you in places where happiness ought to find you. Please don't waste the bleeding I bled for you. I don't think God will allow me to feel whatever it was that I felt for you twice. Fuck sake, I don't think He would allow me to feel anything ever again.

Sometimes when I get to the intersection with the fuckload of traffic lights, I put my finger on my tongue and imagining the taste of cowardice melting ever so slowly into my tastebuds.
Press the pedals as hard as I could.
Fuck everyone.
Close my eyes and let the tears dry.
End the bitterness beats of a dark heart.
I would do it,
crash and burn, but
I'm merely a petrified coward at best.

Honestly. Fuck everyone.