THE PATH LESS TRAVELLED

My heart has not felt true loss in such a long time. The last time I felt too much was the departing of childhood friends and since then, the happy faces of the kids walking home under parade of clouds sipping on slurpees was gradually time-bombing in my mind. Tick, ticking off before disappearing from the folds of my brain. I didn't like that crushing deadweight of leaving the people I loved, so over time, I learned to count safe distances so whenever anyone needs to leave, I will not feel. Now, I can feel next to nothing when anyone tells me they're bound to walk through the doors soon. They are more than welcomed to do as they please.

I don't have a heart. People will tell you that. Halfway truth.

Sadness is temporary.

I will never show emotion so trivial. Not showing is never the equivalent of not feeling. Human emotions are fleeting and I am struggling to accept them as they come to me, but trust me, I am trying my best. Sadness waste time and opportunities because as far as I concern I rarely remember bad times people gave me. But happy times were abundant and they bombard me each time I look at the clouds parading, or when the Sun paints dusk on a spring day or when the people I love look me in the eyes. Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.

Forever will I cherish the friends I am blessed with. Forever will I fight for each of your happiness if you let me. I will never tell you how happy it makes me to walk along your sides and share this world and the happiness it has to offer us together with all of you but remember, not telling is never the equivalent of not feeling. I feel the adrenaline rush, and I feel the bloodrush of laughing too hard. I cherish the second-hand embarrassments, I cherish all of our deep talk, small talks, shitty jokes, understandings and misunderstandings equally.

When I was 15, I walked a flood with no shoes on with my only friend in this lonely world. Drove a 15 minutes drive for an almost funeral at 16. I was 17 going on rendezvouses with the people I loved blaring the car radio and the windows down and mental breakdowns over telephone line, talking nothing, my friend just listening to my ugly sobbing. When I was 18, I was staring and gazing the stars with my roommates, dissecting the darkest parts a human can have inside them. Now, I am 19 and I'm running in shopping malls with my friends like a band of thieves on a getaway. Now, I am 19 running in hotel ballrooms with high heels in my hands and thinking, "If life gets bad, I'll be fine as long as these people stay with me."

And in that moment, I fucking know it will fucking hurt if these people choose to walk out through the door.