This madness is rampant inside of me. This madness means transitioning, cocooning, un-becoming and outgrowing, everything that is familiar to me. One that broke me indefinitely was that my own words were repulsive to me. I hated my words, the way they are arranged, the sound of it, the feelings I felt with each word vomit.
Some people don't quite know the ways of getting tired of being hurt by the same thing over. I am in denial that these people irritate me to my nerves. One thing about me that never changes, huh? Someone's opinion too different from me and I get mad, too similar to mine and I get sad. But I'm trying very hard to put myself in their places, maybe just can't physically place myself near them yet. Perhaps 'trouble' is too much of a dysphemism, and perhaps this is biased, but, I'm talking about people who expects others to be their ride or die just because they can't seem to distant themselves from trouble and need someone to be tell them they're doing something wrong only to cover their ears when people actually do so. Then they ironically ask themselves why do they always get involved with the wrong crowd. I may be selfish in so many ways, but these people are way more selfish than I am without them realizing it.
You are not the only person in this world who have felt 'love'. I do not need to understand how you overlove someone. Stop saying no one understands overloving. I know more than you do about overloving someone. What I don't understand is your desperation to make the wrong people, right. Guess I'm not the only person with this saviour complex.
I know you are internally struggling. But I know you're not struggling enough.
As much as I've been outgrowing my wind-words (words sent out to the sky with no recipients' addresses), I've so much outgrown one of my closest friend that I thought I could never live without. Strange how one night they can be the one helping me through a mental breakdown on the phone line and few months down the line, the connection is just gone. They could be dead for all I know and I wouldn't know. They could move to the other side of the world today and I wouldn't care. It's really okay. We all need a break from certain people when the time comes. Time really is a constraint when you're older, though that constraint is actually one opportunity to meet new faces and know new names. Exploit it wisely.
Wisely: because when you move the timeline forward, things of the past is bound to be permanently replaced. You cannot move across time as you wish. Present when your new friends are good to you, then find the forgotten when your friends aren't as good anymore. I know I have swore to be a better friend and I am putting my best effort in tolerating this connection, yet it's truly repulsive to me.
I think the conclusive assurance I can manage is this: it's truly alright to outgrow the people you promised you won't.
