The tiredness in your eyes. I must write of them before I unlove you.
Hello there, to the love that had loved me very dearly, the love that showed me assurance. The only person in this cruel world that taught me kindness. I hope you had missed me somehow and decided to come here and see what messy thought I have been thinking of you these few days. I pray that somehow the prayers I said everyday is being heard: for this feeling of love to reach you, and for you to feel how much I miss you. How much I ache for you.
You told me in the past, when we fought, you read my posts to see my thoughts.
Please, please, please, for the last time, please find me here.
I hope I haven't broke my promise of not hurting you yet. I hope you're not hurt this time around, but if you said I did, I won't say I didn't.
To: the only one person I love in the longest of time,
I'm sorry for distancing myself from you. Sometimes, time creates these distance. Time creates space. I know your current life is all on the run. You're busy and it's understandable that you do not have time for me. For weeks, I have wanted to send you a message, but I know I'll only get a half-hearted reply. In the end, if it's not you sending me a message, every conversation I initiate is cut short. I believe you're busy. I know how hectic life can get. You're always on the run, and by few months, the spaces between us will be unimaginable.
I'm hurt, honestly. It pains me that you're my priority. I would drop every single thing I'm doing when you need me. I don't care if it's a Math quiz the next day or assignments due soon. I'll make room to listen to you until you tell me you're okay (or you'd leave me hanging after I try to comfort you), but you wouldn't do the same. I'm not asking you to tell your quizzes or assignments to fuck off and devote all your time to me, but I sometimes wish I was being heard when all I ever want is a friend to hear me out.
You used to be there for me, but not anymore. I do understand but I can't come to term to accept that everything is different now. You come out of the blue after weeks of no messages and act like everything is fine. Perhaps it is nothing for you.
I hurt because I'm hurt, but I don't impact your life like that anymore. I'm sure you have better friends by your side now. I write this for catharsis, not for sympathy. I know that if I don't end this now, I'd always find my way back to you because I'll ask myself "What if I gave him my all?" I'm tired as much as you are tired.
I know.
When you leave, it'd be both easier and harder for me to move on. I know you no longer love me the way you did before. I can't make you stay. Just know, that many times in this place, I kept wishing I was choosing the place where I could always be near to you. We had the choice to see each others' face for years to come but we didn't take that option. Sometimes I do blame this feelings on that. If we were nearer, I wouldn't be hurt by distance. Sometimes I do regret. But I am in the place where I need to be. I miss you so much, though. So so so so much.
Everything the person I fakingly loved did, I am reminded of you. How your eyes always seems tired but bright, nonetheless. The way he laughs so loudly like a little child. The moles and facial lines and your scent, your words, your lisp, you. He reminds me of you: I never loved him. I thought I loved him but I loved the you in him. All along, it was you.
