I tell myself you need not to know the walks I took almost everyday to the lake just about your home.
I tell myself you need not to know the anxiety attacks, fear-induced running I do each time I saw someone who looks like you walk into the store.
And you need not to know how I cannot function today, I kept on crying and crying and cry, just because a kid came in with his father and mumbled he wanted noodles. I thought of you. Ridiculous.
You need not to know the embarassing reassurance talk I had to provide to my own self three nights in a row when I go to sleep crying because I cannot stop thinking of you.
Such a vicious cycle of me falling in love past the point of no return, get hurted, telling myself it's alright, telling myself I do not need anyone but myself, actually needing no one but me for a while before I fall apart completely again.
But you know, truth be told is, that not that I didn't know repression builds mounds of painful denial in pretty images of apathy but the moment I feel pain, I impulsively acts to not showing it. Now I'm here deeply wrenched by worn words and unacceptance of a lover outgrowing me.
Feet tied to the sidewalks and gated residentials, there were still tires marks from when you cycled to the lake while I walked in my heels yesteryear made it all feel like a long vaporized dream in spring.
I've been so sad I hope you know how much I've hurted. The Sun couldn't have healed me even with bottled of iodine bathing my scraped knees. I'm bathing in blood and anger.
Grief.
I must state clearly that I never hated you. We slowly created space and time as walls between so we could grow, not to nurture hate. I never hated you.
But I need my space. And you're in the future, I am a past artifact, an archaic thought to your brain and alienated.
If we stood by the present time, oh, how time and space would start clouding and implodes and we'll start back before the Big Bang happened and I will wait patiently until we exist simultaneously, start over again, not messing up you, love love love explicitly, and we will never cease to be.
Acceptance is vocalizing what you are denied of and being comfortable doing it, unbothered whether or not it shall happen otherwise.
