The birds are blue and brown and I see the winds howling within their feathers, uncalming and terrorizing freedom because I refuse to see mine buried deep under my skin. Underneath layers of deep skin are the days I spent discarding them for countless reasons. I hope in the near future, I am no longer saddened by the fact I've let myself be unloved by my own self for so long. It's not interchangeable you know, regret and acceptance, both are different thing. Someone I really loved told me that I was a big, big tree thriving in a tropical forest and that I was lovely in the strength my roots were. They told me this too: that just the way the countless rings of trees barks indicating thousands years of growing over and over, they would find the same marking in me if they were to cut me down and find out. It was strength and it was the most unadulterate form of freedom and yet all I conjured up in my little spinning head was that my roots, they're wired to the ground and into the other end of this disc Earth. Never free.
Mother, if you would see me now, I am not a bird. Funny words. My mother was fond of birds. There was one that sings like angel choir. Mother, I will never grow feathers for you to write with but I will be convinced one day that the freedom I have is entirely mine and worth the same as the birds'.
To the stranger that saw the lives I lived even without tallying the rings I hide, you were kind faith, a presence to the absence in my void of a heart. You were the singing bird I loved so. You were the guide back to the lonesome forest where I felt most at home. You were my home. Perhaps I used to envy the skies you painted with your wings and maybe I still do but you made me appreciate the holy ground more. You'd always come home to me. Always do.
"I may have dodged hunters' rifle hits and three, maybe four stormy skies, but you, dear God, you've been here since the start of time, survived forest fire from Hell and kept growing over death. I'm sure there is some freedom in that."
For seeing me the way I never did and making me believe in who I am, I'd live for you over and over.
