You make me wonder how it would feel to not be remembered. I won't show myself in the zine or the photos. I won't write articles for you to find in the near future when you open the zine. I imagine you would struggle to even pick my name someday, pick a letter, hangman. Ironically, you won't even try but I liked imagining that you will.
In another 5 years, you will not remember how many pills you took that December. The memory of hearing my hoarse voice over the static phone call at 10 in the evening will vaporize into a cosmic nothingness. A tiny absence in a vast presence. It makes me wonder if you would even think that I cared. Because maybe I did but in 5 years I would have forgotten I did. Maybe 5 years is a little bit too optimistic. I burped in front of your grandmother, too, that night. She won't remember that in her second life.
When you get out of college, I hope you will never look back as to how I never properly knew you. It was so bizzare knowing someone like this. Know what I'm talking about? When you know someone but you never did? Load the gun and trace your temple with it in 5 years. Don't look back at how one shot missed made you half-assedly tried life again. Nihilism would look good hanging on the walls of your dream apartment.
When you're 30, alive, settled down, please never reminisce how you never even tried to fight life the second time. I mean, you yourself know you didn't try. You, yourself, know half-ass attempt isn't even as good a try. In 15 years when you've thoroughly racked your brain for an argument, tell me honestly how hard you fought before you decided you were better off. Maybe then, I'll forgive you.
Also, you said you won't be getting married and made plans to die alone but you seemed to me the kind of person who would bring a kind girl with big shiny eyes home to your mother. She'd be polite and carefully arrange her words and chatter away with your sisters until they fall in love. I imagine you will do and I hope you do but if you don't, who cares.
Every person you cease to remember urges the flow of time slows down. Until you start to remember and everything halts and pauses and creates space that shrink endlessly until you remember me.
