VERN

I keep hoarding years into me, keep on counting physically an intangible idea whenever someone mentions the future, like when a teacher ask how future me, 20 years added to me, is doing. I'd picture that she would've been through shits and she'd be 37, perhaps staring down the balcony of her apartment in a foreign city. I hope she's not thinking up death.

For now, I can't even do the right thing with all of the promises I have shoved in the back pockets of my jeans.

You see, I'm keeping you so close to me while I figure out this imminent and irreversible decision so in case you need to reach out the other end, I'm less distant than I was when we were 15 or 16.

Sigh. I keep falling in and out of love with you and I admit I don't even feel like writing the first draft of this but a few nights ago, I wanted to cry and I was unable to. Do you believe in chakras and how they could really break? How far do you have to break it until you're unable to catharsis?

I remember, of course, in December I said something about changing and becoming friends but it's almost February and I'm still very scared you'll slip if I keep myself stagnant. We barely talk. We barely made it halfway through what I promised.

Maybe in a few years into the future, we'd be okay?