VENUS

Time is fluid and death is crassed in its way because the moment you said you took the shot and I think I cried for 3 days but it was 15 minutes before you called me and said hello into my ears like you didn't just downed 17 grams of Panadol to cleanse your liver of your misery or that hydrochloric acid in mine, instead, when my dad asked me why the fuck was I crying at 10 p.m. asking him to drive to your suburbs without a goddamn reason and I sweat, a lot, in my mom's sweater and in a few months I experimented yeast and ethanol and the lot but all I thought was death death death when my eyes glued itself on the yeast packaging that indicates 11 grams of it inside a moldy yellow foil it smells bad it looks like coccaine powder but I was crying into the flask cone because you told me you didn't want me to come over to see you in your state, "What state?" The gates are locked as if it's gonna stop me we're not liberals like I could care less but I do, too much, I care that you are not shit okay maybe you're shit but I loved you and I have a lot to say oh I remember when you said or the Panadol started to evolve in you and told me that you don't know what to say, God, it was June and we were inside of that McDonalds and breaking our fast the few last day of Ramadhan but we weren't saying anything you were hating it that you knew I was secretly taking your pictures with each sips of my Coke that you took a picture with our classmates after the date because I wasn't good enough good enough not to be able to identify Big Dipper that night and realized each bead of the stars resembles seven out of thirty seven pills of the white mess before I walked out of my dad's car in December, 11 something p.m. in my mother's sweater thinking to myself I will talk about Mars and remember that Earth is Mars' only wishing stars I would wish upon this fallible planet that one day you will survive and not die perhaps I'd give you my liver and you will move in into your cosy little apartments with a few cats and never touch a Panadol ever again even if it kills you wait please take the Panadol if you'd die if you don't and don't let me endure June 30 ever again because I sat there looking at you thinking fuck why am I in love just to hear you say you were fucking embarassed of confessing that you found yourself liking me, almost loving so close but I missed the warning signs but I told him to be Lain and watch over me when he dies he wanted me at his funeral he wanted me to shine his grave with my beams Let's all love Lain but I planned to kill myself there he said he'll kill me if I do but I did and he didn't you know he didn't die not because of me at all because I didn't tell him that I've been to Mars or that I told my dad what he did and got yelled but I did told him I loved him December 11, 3 a.m. and his first death was 9.44 p.m. and June 24 not by Panadol pills but by his words that he gives me songs to listen to only ones he thinks he needs me to know but then he stopped sending me songs and I started to vomit thirty seven pills by force every day examine the wound on his elbow when he kissed the tar road but I pushed another pill down his throat only to see if it could heal him it didn't his fingers had little cuts and it healed why can't he heal my vocal chords torn everytime we act like we're adults we were trying to be adults and sat down and talked it but we were kids and kids imagine satellites landing on Mars to find aliens I didn't realize it wasn't love but as I swirl my tongue around this powdery planet that tasted like a lot more than 37 Panadols I feel death or love I couldn't tell and everything else is the time matrix a fourth dimensional intangible him laying on his couch on December and I burped in front of his grandmother, cried, went home and tucked myself into an interstellar death.