There are repertoires of click-clacks sounds in my head alongside the mental images of strangers' heels against marble tiles floating to the surface of my long forgotten deep interweb of neurons. It's association goes with this one song I had always put on my headphones when I get to immigrations, clutching tightly to my passport on my right hand and the escalator railings in the other. It was always to see either grandma or grandad but over the year, it crossed out grandad to only grandma and just a few more months earlier it became an undefined cause.
Now, I don't get to see the different shades of greens on the palm trees anymore or the rooftop view from the 12th floor of a random city outline, a refinement so foreign to my eyes. I remember the 734th Block just as I remember the last visit to the hospital with that one particular song ending just as the elevator door opened at the second floor. There were many people at the wards that couldn't care less about her motionless body or the fact that he was aching in each joint his body had. If it is to be counted, there were much more people at their funerals that when they were lying on the hospital beds combined. Yeah, that's just the duality of our reality. I was a part of that. Everyone was.
The very night I heard death bell reiterated, I huddled with my siblings in front of the TV, confused and just attempting to distract ourselves. There were our hushed whispers, muffled cries filtered by fabrics and streams of tears silent as the night goes on. We saw a firefly that night as we slept with a corpse of a once living human. Attachment issues weren't issues enough for any of us by physical measurement but I know it ate up at least some of us at the very least.
I'm not going back to 709 or 734 or 324 or any of 65 or 81750 anymore, I know. It'd be a waste of hurtful emotional detachment to crawl back to numbered places that shattered you infinitely into dust but this song knows where the longings are reachable and it pushes a little bit too hard on the said part.
